“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER VII
BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC
THE test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to strangers and the public at large. If one observes toward them the little courtesies, then one may be safely trusted to keep to the highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid testing.
Always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be unobtrusive, speaking quietly, and showing in their manner that they each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of humanity, and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention. They will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which forms the street crowd.
In places of public amusement, they will show true courtesy by not coming in late,--that is, by being on time or missing the performance. They will not rustle their programs needlessly. They will so dispose of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by them, even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the evening to obtain them from the cloak room.
They will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing on the stage, or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for others to hear what is going on. They will applaud temperately, and with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the audience and the actors as a whole. That is, at a concert they will not so applaud one artist as to break up the program.
At formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to Parliamentary usage, which is really only the etiquette of debate, and will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out, or in word or manner express a disorderly spirit. "The greatest good of the largest number" will be the rule of their deportment in public.
At a social occasion of any sort, every one present is under obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure. If he cannot or will not, he should remain away. If he is asked to play a musical instrument or sing, he should do so without urging, for his talents, except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked, are or should be at the disposal of the company, or at the request of his hostess. Any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may be as brief as he pleases, and should be brief, unless his talent is so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability, and he is in a generous mood,--a combination of circumstances rare in any but the most talented circles.
If you turn the pages of music for a musician, do so in a quiet and self-forgetful manner. Interest in you is quite subordinate to interest in the performer.
Do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations, for mediocre talent is always profuse.
It is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's moods, so that in company one always appears to be content, if not happy. It adds much to the happiness of others to give this impression, and is therefore generous as well as wise.
It is always rude to interrupt with conversation, or yawning, or any motion, a musical performance, or any entertainment whether public or private, in which those about one are interested. One should retire if he cannot refrain.
Behavior in church may be taught in one great principle, providing that principle is fundamental enough. The sense of reverence for the things of the spiritual life may be felt, if not comprehended, by even the child. No amount of "Don't's," if the spirit of worship be not instilled, will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and reverent worshiper or even attendant at church.
The sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends, the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or Bible, or an indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer.
Another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of punctuality at the service. A church service is, by its very nature, a more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other. Therefore, to come in late, thus distracting the attention of those who have gone to church for meditation or worship, is a far more flagrant offense against the rights of others, than is the disturbing of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance.
The habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault, and works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence, in spite of all else that one may do to establish it.
Straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and enjoyment in society. One learns then what other people are thinking about, and becomes more and more active mentally. Such an attitude establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and intelligence.
Inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm. No one cares to talk twice with a person who, no matter what his wit or ability to entertain, has betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets.
Upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk, when with a lady, the custom having come down from the days when dangers beset the path, and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the protection of the woman.
When a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together, the married woman takes the outside of the walk.
In passing single file other people or some obstacle, the gentleman always steps back and allows the lady to precede him. If, however, the way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected, he goes first.
In entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first.
A lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind, infirm, or crippled, or in a turbulent crowd.
The considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at night, much less a home, his own or any other, in a noisy, careless fashion. Those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if they were awake, and more also.
The modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car, a train, a restaurant, or a theatre, is a much more rational one than the older form of permitting one to act as host, as if he were in his own house. A gentleman might offer to pay for others, if he wished to, but he should not insist upon paying; nor should any one carelessly or designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another, unless he himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time.
In entering a carriage or automobile, one should step promptly, without either loitering or haste. If one is to sit facing the horses or the front of the automobile, and there is but one step to take, one puts the left foot on it. If there are two steps, the right foot should take the first, the left the second. If one is to face in the opposite direction from what the vehicle is going, one should use the right foot first in case of the one step, and the left foot first in case of the two.
When two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together, the guest should enter first, taking the farther seat, facing the front of the carriage, so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass her. When a mother and daughter enter a carriage, the mother precedes, and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present. In case of two daughters, the elder sits by the side of the mother, and the younger sits opposite.
The fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the winter, and from three to six-thirty in the summer.
Young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without an escort. In the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced. In case a groom is the escort, he rides slightly behind, keeping watch that he may be of service.
A riding-habit should be absolutely neat, simple, and inconspicuous. The hat should be plain, the hair compactly done, and the whole effect of the costume trim serviceableness and grace, rather than prettiness.
In mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand, and stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the saddle. The man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground. The lady then puts her left foot into his hand, and springs up into the saddle with his assistance.
It is necessary, first, to have a firm seat; secondly, a skillful hand on the rein. One should sit in the middle of the saddle, in an easy, natural position, with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to the motion of the horse. The elbows should be well in to the side, in a line with the shoulders, and the hands should be relaxed and yet responsive to the slightest pull of the rein.
It is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a side saddle. In the freedom of a graceful divided skirt, she strides the saddle as do the men, and therefore has an equal chance with them to ride gracefully and safely,--a privilege which fashion long denied.
To keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the United States. In England and Canada the rule of keeping to the left is observed with the same rigidity.
In business life it is not good form to dine with your employer. This does not include a ban upon those business dinners, where there is a group of people, the majority of them men, with one or two unmarried business women of equal or superior business standing, who meet over the dinner table to talk of business problems. That occasion has its own etiquette, and one which the business man or woman readily fashions for himself or herself, and which follows the rules of business expediency rather than social life.
It is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business acquaintance unless you wish to do so.
Neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet articles, and not depend upon the public supplies, which are, however, supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies.
The dress for traveling should be plain and simple, suited to the need rather than elaborate. The effect of crumpled finery is so very unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a public conveyance.
If you wish to leave your seat in a train, a coat or bag placed upon it is sufficient to reserve it for you. The removal of a coat or bag so placed is a very great rudeness.
A gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies, or to a gentleman and lady traveling together, as he can be more readily accommodated in the single seats than can they.
It is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat with him to offer it to a lady who is standing, and so prevent her from feeling that she is intruding in taking it, if there are no other seats vacant.
When a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger, or offers her any other civility, or begs pardon for some blunder, he takes off his hat to her.
While traveling alone, it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of polite remarks or attentions. They should be met with equal politeness. Quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious.
The comfort of all in the car, not of one individual, should be consulted in the opening of windows and doors, and the consent of those sitting near should be gained.
It is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for quite a period of time. One should be as expeditious as possible, and should not seriously inconvenience others, even if he deprives himself of some of the comfort he desires.
It is not well to travel unless you can afford it. If you can and do travel, deal courteously and generously with those who serve you.
Ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship, or of policemen in the street.
The exchange of visiting cards with strangers, unless under unusual circumstances, is unwise and bad form.
Ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself, unless she is under escort of a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for her. When she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance, she always pays her own fare, unless the acquaintance may be an old and intimate friend.
When a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman friend, it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in her behalf. She should hand him her purse with which to purchase her ticket.
The munching of nuts, fruit, or candy in a crowded public conveyance is a serious offense against those about you. A neat lunch, quietly eaten at an appropriate hour, is not offensive and is quite permissible. But one should not impose even the odor of food upon people who are forced to be near, and who may find it extremely disagreeable.
The recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in public places is a great step in advance, and must be rigidly maintained for the sake of the public health. The chewing of gum, while no menace to society, is as unesthetic and disgusting as expectoration, and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a ban.
In a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck. A book or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against the hat of the person in the seat in front.
Pushing, shoving, and all like methods of getting people to move out of your way, or of getting ahead of others, are marks of great rudeness, and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress through a crowd or into a car. The quiet, good-natured crowd disperses most rapidly.
At the ferry and all prepayment places, have the right change in hand, so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a boat or a car, by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make change.
Do not carry an umbrella carelessly. You are as culpable if you injure another as another would be if he injured you.
To converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding.
Never show hostility, nor permit people to quarrel with you. The irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to adhere, from principle, to the rule of strict good-will toward all.
If you are escorting a woman, do not permit her to suffer any discomfort; but if, by chance, she does, do not pick a quarrel with the person who caused it. Firmly but quietly afford her protection, but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the offense.
A lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few days in a hotel alone. Upon entering she would go to the desk and make arrangements for a room. When the choice is made she surrenders her hand bag to the bell-boy, who conducts her to her room. She should, for her own convenience and protection, deposit valuables or large sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe. Then the responsibility becomes his, but he does not assume it if they are left in the room. Upon leaving her room, she should lock her trunks and door, and leave the key with the clerk at the desk.
A lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve, but not of haughty distance. She should dress simply and plainly, so as not to attract attention, as she is in a public place. The only time when elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort, or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some function.
A lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, will not loiter about the hotel office, or walk out alone upon the piazza or any conspicuous place, or stand at the windows of the parlor. She will remember that she is in a public place, where she may encounter all classes of people, so she will not permit herself any of the liberties of a home. She will not go through the halls humming or singing, or take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to her room, even if she does shortly return it. She will not, even in her own room, make such noise as will attract attention or disturb other guests.
She will not call a cab herself, but will summon a bell-boy and have him attend to it. After her baggage is packed she will let the servants attend to it, even to the handing her of her umbrella and hand bag after she is in the carriage. She will never take the liberty of chiding a servant, but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk at the desk.
To open a window in the parlor of a hotel, when others are by and may be discomforted, is a breach of politeness. Also it is not right that even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the hotel parlor, if others are in the room, unless he has received a unanimous invitation to do so.
One may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without being thought forward or intrusive, and also may respond to such greetings without compromise, as such acquaintance does not imply or demand recognition elsewhere.
A lady, when alone at a hotel dining table, will decide quickly what dishes she wishes, and order them distinctly but quietly. She will wait patiently to be served, without any display of embarrassment. It is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast, but not good taste to bring books to the table at any time. If she desires a dish which she sees, but the name of which she does not know, she will not point to it, but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and her description.
If she has friends or makes table acquaintances, she will talk with them in a low tone. She will never talk with some one at another table, nor laugh loudly. If any civility, such as the passing of food, is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman, she will express her thanks, but will not start a conversation.
The usual good manners of cultivated people, emphasized by the additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes, is a safe standard of etiquette in a hotel.
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